kzkftw

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 22:01:28 GMT

I passed my clep. finished my classes with two A's ( hopefully). 30 credits = sophomore , at least credit wise.

I've grown a lot in the past 6 weeks. They've probably been the hardest six weeks of my life ( barring the whole mono/ ankle deal). So I guess not at all. haha

Going into college I thought I had a pretty good idea of who I was. I guess I was wrong. Im really glad to find that I was wrong. Maturing as a person is an incredibly painful process. I guess that means its worth it.

I have the best parents in the entire world and i really really really love them. No matter how dorky that sounds. They have perfected the art of letting me fall, letting me learn , letting me grow, letting me gain experience. All without saying " I told you so". Parents are like jediis I swear. I may be a spy but they have way more butterfly knife skills, so to speak.But more important than that, I know, without fail that they will be there for me. No matter what I did, how bad I screwed up, or how stupid I was. They'll always love me.

I hope that if I have kids I'll be as good a parent as mine are. If I suck , I'll just let them raise my kid :p

I think Im finally ready to be in a relationship. Ive come to terms with needing someone. Im convinced that there is someone out there that will let me be who I am and be healthy for me. And if it takes a while to find that person, its alright. I'll just have some fun on the way.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 21:26:35 GMT

I noticed something today .
As I was on facebook generally avoiding doing anything, I noticed that without fail people always post if they are happy . Its as though we feel it so rarely and so few and far between that we have to let everyone know. we've to broadcast it.

Thats vaguely upsetting.

but then again maybe im reading to much into it

k^2 is for Kirby Kreider!

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 21:58:16 GMT

Today I saw my honors adviser, set up an appointment to see my RTV major, set up a clep exam, paid for a clep exam at the cashiers office, and went to the bank.

This doesn't sound like a lot and I know its not. But the small steps towards independence are very validating. Im figuring this out and Im doing it on my own. It made me feel surprisingly accomplished.

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 16:24:16 GMT

So Ive been really unhappy as of late.

But as I trecked across campus to get food ( nothing is open on Sunday on my side of campus) I got this random feeling of being content. Im not sure what changed. I hated everything when I woke up this morning, but something about walking through campus and knowing where I was going felt really symbolic. I feel like I have gained new direction and perspective on my life. everything that has happened as given me more freedom and self respect than ever.

I'm really excited to continue growing as a person.
I'm really excited to meet people who are willing to change with me.
I'm really excited to start my career.
I'm really excited to just be awesome.

tl;dr
I'm really excited for the next four years of my life and whatever they may bring: pain, happiness, friendships, relationships, heartbreak, good times and late nights.

I am really excited to just be me

Look at those pictures like moments in time

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 01:48:14 GMT

I spent the vast majority of my day reflecting upon everything that has happened.

Yes I have changed. But at 18 years old if you arent changing then something is wrong. I am still the same person at heart; I still care about those around me and I do value honesty .I still will bend over backwards for my friends.I'm sorry that the changes scare you or you dislike them but thats how it is. Honesty is a very volatile concept . True and complete honesty is always unbearable. Noone and I repeat noone is every 100% honest. Ever. It is impossible to eliminate the human selfishness from our words and actions. Sometimes a lie shouldnt be frowned upon though. Sometimes the lie is designed to protect , to try and correct, to try and fix everything.There is no such thing as someone being completely honest with you. Sometimes it is better to tell a lie with good intentions than to tell the truth and annihilate something very fragile.

The truth about any relationship is that it survives on constant communication. Without the ability of both parties to forgive mistakes it will never last. It comes down to both people not trying to forget mistakes but both people allowing the other to be HUMAN and to make mistakes. I do not begrudge people for making mistakes, as that would be begrudging them for being human. I begrudge people for not owning up to their mistakes. I begrudge people for always shifting blame and guilt. "We've all been sorry and we've all been hurt, how we move on determines who we are. " All I want in any of the people in my life is to try and find that balance of looking out for you and me. I understand that sometimes you can't be there for me, but I can't understand when you never are.

I live on change. It is strange because change is almost always painful. Im not talking about a gain ( new boy, new car, new toy). Im talking about a change. New city, new college, new people, new outlook. Any transition is bound to hurt because if it didn't then it wouldnt be worth going through. Change is like that coach that pushes your boundaries. That coach that you wake up and hate. That coach that you curse under breath as you run those extra miles or fight those extra matches. That coach that isnt afraid to hurt your feelings to make you better. That coach that in the end influenced your life more than anything. How we deal ( or dont deal) with change plays a huge role in our lives.

I fouled out not for poor sportsmanship but for a technical error. I took a shot at a relationship. My shot was a proverbial air ball. At this point in time I have two options. I either A) hate the world and begrudge everybody based on what happened to me or I B) take the lessons from the missed shot and continue to grow as a person. The second option is a lot better. Its also a lot harder

I am changing my major if I can ever see an adviser. Its amazing how well they can hide. I guess changing it sounds a little dramatic. Im going for a double major. I figure I maybe should have a back up plan because maybe radio-television isnt stable.

I hope this cut works. haha

zomg collllllllegeeeeee

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 14:39:47 GMT

Drama llama back at home. it kills me not to talk to them, but as previously stated its not good for me. Im done with the lj talking deal. Like I realize that we said we'd stop talking. but both our posts are guilty of it. You won't make me feel bad about myself. Good people fuck up . Honest people make mistakes. I did both. I'm sorry.
You guys can be happy really happy together and if you are not you cant blame me forever. Even before my entrance into the scene you guys still had issues. I wish you all the best. I really sincerely do.

Im really happy up here. Even though he abandoned me so to speak, he still helped me through the transition. Nothing changes me being grateful for that.

Ah 2003 jetta. sexy car.

Term is almost over

I have two A's

I have a healthy outlook on life.

I value myself.

I miss Erich Meister. Holy shit

And I want to work at Hooters now that I have boobies. Easy money, no?

I'll always be the one who got away

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 15:01:14 GMT

So
I totaled my car because I was stupid. It put everything in perspective . Im lucky to be alive. Shit jsut doesnt matter
He played me . maybe. maybe he meant it. It doesnt really matter
She hates me. I messed up. It doesnt really matter.
Boyfriend girlfriend best friend enemies ... it doesnt really matter.

Almost dying makes me pumped just to wake up in the morning. Wake up to the people that actually care about me. Wake up to whatever problems I may have. Wake up and try and fix whatever small issues are in my life. Small issues are everything that doesnt include your health or family.

I will miss them both. Id love to have them both in my life , but fuck, its just not heatlhy . You guys arent healthy for me. Regardless im still sorry I fucked up

I played with fire and I got hurt. I thought if I could just come home and see them make them realize how much I did care it would make it better. They both told me they wished they had died. Thats not healthy . Not healthy at all .

Id do a lot to be able ot have working relationships with them. but right now thats just not good for me

Im putting me first. Im caring about me. I cant handle your problems anymore. My life is changing too quickly. My career is starting in two weeks. Thats enough to worry about.

I by no means think im innocent in this situation. But I also realize I didnt act out of malice. I acted emotionally. I was super happy when I believed him. Then shit got fucked up . then i was miserable. then I wrecked my car. then I realized that im lucky to have these problems becaues it means im still alive. I realize that I should be like crazy religious now but im not. Dad says its because I havent fufilled my purpose, that god didnt take me. I say its because my car had ridiculous crash test ratings.

I like him. Id be lying if I said I still didnt. Feelings dont go away like that. But fact of the matter is, hes too crazy for me to handle. I couldnt have dealt with it without forgetting about everyone and everything else in my life. Never for a boy

Im going to out and out call her crazy . I dont feel bad. Dont tell me you wish you had died after I should've regardless of what I did to you. Thats fucked up.

I really do wish you both the best in life. I hope you can work out whatever issues you may have together. I hope one day Ill open the Sunday paper and see your wedding announcement. Thats what you guys want. Then good luck. I mean it even if you dont believe me.

Work through your issues. I cant work through them with you anymore. I cant give that much of myself to either of you anymore. Thats just how it is. I matter to me more now than ever.

Who do I feel the worst for in this situation?
None of us. THe people I crashed into. I couldve killed her over this?? This bullshit drama. This shit that just doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things. Stop telling me you wish you were dead. Shit always always works out. It just may suck for a while.

tl;dr
I shouldve died. It made everything click. I miss them both. I hope to be able to at least be on decent terms with both of them in time. Right now, I cant have them in my life. Because its not good for ME. I'm taking care of me now.

Well fuck

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 12:46:35 GMT

Im not nearly half the person I thought I was. You dont do what I did to your best friend, regardless of how you feel about the person. You just don't

Im a horrible person.

It runs in the family

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 00:20:53 GMT

Double standards are awesome. Hearing two polar opposite opinions from the same person is awesome. People need to just think some shit through

Im supposed to be there when you need me : day or night, sick or healthy, busy or bored, but hell if you are going to be there when I need you. I better learn to cope by myself.

I feel abused and underapperciated by a good amount of people in my life. Really ? like really is this happening?

This is a sterotypical livejournal whiny post. But someone I cant manage to tell the people to SHUT THE FUCK UP to their faces. Despite what I hear is the opinion, im not that much of a bitch

I dont care if you think my problems are my fault, they are still my problems. Talking about me behind my back generally gets back to me. You could try asking me about MY day for once. That would be pretty sick .

Stop trying to impress people , just be a good friend. Goddammit

minus that whole whiny random shit life is working out for me. Im living by my standards and feeling good about the vast majority of my choices. Im learning to strike that healthy balance of party and studying. If you dont like what I do , please do me just this one favor and fuck off.

The British are coming!!!

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 16:26:16 GMT

hmm going out tonight, im excited. It should be good to get away from everything and all the stress and what not. I wish other peoples problems didnt bother me so much . Shrugs, I'll say its because Im a good person ,lol

I believe sincerely that everything will be okay for the people in my life.

I can't really complain, aside from the friend drama life is pretty great.

I really really really like plaid. I think im going to get some plaid shorts this weekend. or plaid anything for that matter

I dont really know why im writing this, probably so I dont have to study. haha my promise to myself to eliminate procrastination in college has already been broken. Shocker

My dad is like super perceptive which is really kinda creepy given how much I can hide shit from everyone else. I guess he used to be a lot like me when he was my age. Hes a cool guy

more later?

What is in my soup???

Thu, 10 Jul 2008 01:46:12 GMT

So....

I moved to college. It was quite the humbling experience; it really made me value everything that was stable in my life and really appreciate the people that were really there for me. Im not going to lie it was really hard at first but now I love it. I cant wait for the term to get over though because of how much I'm studying. I guess thats typical with summer term but I grow weary of it. I can't wait for fall term because of how busy the campus will be, not to mention possibly the three most important friends in my life will be here. I can see the stadium lights from my dorm window its really pretty. Symbolic in that retarded kind of way given Im going to be working there. I signed up to rush only to have my boss tell me I couldnt. I was pissed to say the least. Shrugs, hope its worth it

I guess its part of college to watch terribad movies... Bio-Dome is an excellent example of this

I feel silly because Kevin and Rachel breaking up really fucked with my head. Like I'm not even involved but I still feel drained from it. I wish I could help her more. They're break up makes me question a lot. To tear her up so badly it must have been pretty great. Am i missing something by keeping everybody at arms length? Am I being smart and acting my age or am I being immature and running from issues? Shrugs, i have no idea but I KNOW i couldnt handle a serious relationship, so for now im okay with the casual thing.

Brad Pitt is gay in fight club . WHOA WHOA WHOA

UCF 's gym is ridiculous. im pretty sure id live there if I could. Not to say my dorm isnt really nice, im lucky with that. While its nice its on the outer extremity of campus which kinda sucks. I have an awesome tan from walking now

My guitar for guitar hero is broken, the whammy stick doesnt stay put, its frustrating. Also my car not being able to play mp3 cd's is frustrating

Im (re)meeting my boss and coworkers on Friday. In otherwise I'm starting my career on friday at 18. awesome.

College is great. Im really excited for the next four years of my life. People need to hurry and move up here

ucf

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 03:26:38 GMT

UCF gave me money...yay, 1250 a semester!

I got into the summer term

I will most likely have a place to live in the summer

Mon, 11 Feb 2008 03:28:41 GMT

The entirety of the senior class that I speak with (granted its not that much) is more or less in a perpetual state of spaz. I am no exception to this statement. I am going to college in 5 months and I have no where to live. UCF won't give me money and I still havent told Melody I'm rejecting her contract. I really cant begin to do physics or calculus. The documentary is oppressive, rewind is always looming over my head and I just want so badly to go to college. Once again, I realize that I am no exception and that every other senior wants nothing more than to be done with high school. I have a surgery consult on Tuesday. Im kinda scared of it, either way im going to get bad news. I either find out I definitely have to have surgery or that I need to wait and live with the pain of the bone spur.

Valentines Day- good for you if you like it. Im pumped to be single for this one . Im really just pumped to be single in general. Im pretty sure it speaks volumes to my immaturity that I turn to asshole type guys after rejecting really nice ones. To put it quite simply, I cant deal with someone caring about me so much like that. Part of me wishes that I could be secure in a relationship and not feel tied down and suffocated at the merest signs of affection. But thats just not me. I for some reason, have connected relationships with dependence and thats something that im terribly afraid of. Im afraid of shutting my eyes to the world in a blind comfort of love. And I realize that not every relationship is smothering and that a lot of kids my age have perfectly healthy relationships that I should be jealous of, but im just not. Maybe one day ill get over my immaturity but we'll see.

I think thats all I have to complain about right now. UF judgment day on the 15th . Good Luck everyone

hmm

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 02:37:16 GMT

so its been a long time since ive posted.
most notable things that have happened
    got into miami, got into ucf, got into a relationship, got into FSU, got my blackbelt, got a promotion, won nationals with the supershow rachel and I produced.

General ranting:
   I really dislike physics class. its intensely painful for me to sit and waste time for someone that doesnt even MAKE an attempt at teaching. Do tell, how does going over the hw after we did it BEFORE we had a lecture do anyone any good? Whatever 5ish more monhts of that crap.

  Calc.... Lake is going to be our teacher now. I really think shes a good teacher but she wasnt last semester because when she gets scattered brained so does her teaching and that is like anti calculus.

English....I really love this class. Ms Palmer is possibly one the best teachers Ive ever had.

What the hell Duda, noone is going to want to wear gold gowns at graduation. I think all of 20 people actually ordered them.

Senior Panoramic Picture- The class of 08 self segregated itself made me laugh in that morose kind of way (woo paradox)

I wish there was puma rehab or something. As much as I try and stay away from brand names I drop so much cash on pumas its miserable.

I want ucf to give me money. I need to bother them about that. They are a really disogranized school.

I chuckle when I think about UCF being my first choice and everyone elses backup school. I guess I reallly didnt have to work as hard as I did in high school, but then again I couldnt have predicted I would want to go to a school with such low admission requirments.

Anywho... off to play guitar hero

more later maybe.

colleges

Thu, 01 Nov 2007 01:11:23 GMT

so I applied to 5 colleges. USF, UCF, UM, FSU, and UF. I really dont know why I applied to UF as I basically dislike most things about the school. I applied to Miami even though I dont speak spanish and cant possibly afford it, I hope I get rejected there just so I dont have to pick. A lot of people say that ive worked too hard for UCF or I should set my sights higher, but I see nothing wrong with UCF. Its close to home, the communications program is now getting massive funding, and the campus is really nice, plus I already have a job up there so idk. as far as FSU who knows? Im sure stuff will work out.

ahhh

Sun, 16 Sep 2007 05:28:50 GMT

So maybe I have commitment issues. Or maybe its the fact that im struggling with being dependent. I hate myself for having an addictive personality. I hate myself for throwing myself so completely at something that i have no moderation. But most of all I hate the fact that I cant accept that I am independent but I want to have some form of dependence. I absolutely hate the fact that I am so spazzy and I hate the fact that Im messing with both of them. I hate the fact that he knows what I want more than I do. I hate the fact that he is oblivious. I hate the fact that they are friends, I hate the fact I cant be decisive and I can't be in control of this like I do with everything else.

Happier news
Black Belt Testing in 6 days. Im really nervous wish me luck. College is almost here guys, we can make it.

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 18:53:10 GMT

I want school to just start and I want it to be over. and its not because im so ready to start college but more because im so ready to be done with high school.
Im testing for my black belt soon and im afraid im going to fail , and that would suck hard core.
im tired of being confused, but at the same time I realize that im just doiing it to myself

Im tired of learning by mistake , im tired of "hindsight being 20/20'

anyway now that that was all emo ....

Im hoping this year will be awesome and I want to look back on it with good feelings. Stuff has been weird this summer but its better that most of it happened.
Im excited to see how this year is going to play out and im excited to finally accept a college.
I wonder how different my life wouldve been if I went to a different high school, and it amazes me how much one decision can change your life.

for the most part im confused but happy right now.

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 03:14:53 GMT

blah blah blah summer woo

SENIORS

new lj add me
----
Stuff is good right now, Im happy. I got a job at the karate school for a sweet 10 hours a week. its a pretty good gig.

hmm took the ACT's today , that kinda sucked. I hope I get bright futures

Im taking AP american government and I keep procrastinating as should be done with flvs.

My wrist hurts really bad, I think I might have carpal tunnel or however you spell it

<3 Michael Petelle