So 
I totaled my car because I was stupid. It put everything in perspective . Im lucky to be alive. Shit jsut doesnt matter
He played me . maybe. maybe he meant it. It doesnt really matter
She hates me. I messed up. It doesnt really matter.
Boyfriend girlfriend best friend enemies ... it doesnt really matter. 

Almost dying makes me pumped just to wake up in the morning. Wake up to the people that actually care about me. Wake up to whatever problems I may have. Wake up and try and fix whatever small issues are in my life. Small issues are everything that doesnt include your health or family.

I will miss them both. Id love to have them both in my life , but fuck, its just not heatlhy . You guys arent healthy for me. Regardless im still sorry I fucked up


I played with fire and I got hurt. I thought if I could just come home and see them make them realize how much I did care it would make it better. They both told me they wished they had died. Thats not healthy . Not healthy at all .

Id do a lot to be able ot have working relationships with them. but right now thats just not good for me 

Im putting me first. Im caring about me. I cant handle your problems anymore. My life is changing too quickly. My career is starting in two weeks.  Thats enough to worry about. 

I by no means think im innocent in this situation. But I also realize I didnt act out of malice. I acted emotionally. I was super happy when I believed him. Then shit got fucked up . then i was miserable. then I wrecked my car. then I  realized that im lucky to have these problems becaues it means im still alive. I realize that I should be like crazy religious now but im not. Dad says its because I havent fufilled my purpose, that god didnt take me. I say its because my car had ridiculous crash test ratings. 

I like him. Id be lying if I said I still didnt. Feelings dont go away like that. But fact of the matter is, hes too crazy for me to handle. I couldnt have dealt with it without forgetting about everyone and everything else in my life. Never for a boy 

Im going to out and out call her crazy . I dont feel bad. Dont tell me you wish you had died after I should've regardless of what I did to you. Thats fucked up. 

I really do wish you both the best in life. I hope you can work out whatever issues you may have together. I hope one day Ill open the Sunday paper and see your wedding announcement. Thats what you guys want. Then good luck. I mean it even if you dont believe me. 

Work through your issues. I cant work through them with you anymore. I cant give that much of myself to either of you anymore. Thats just how it is. I matter to me more now than ever. 

Who do I feel the worst for in this situation?
None of us. THe people I crashed into. I couldve killed her over this?? This bullshit drama. This shit that just doesnt matter in the grand scheme of things. Stop telling me you wish you were dead. Shit always always works out. It just may suck for a while.

tl;dr
I shouldve died. It made everything click. I miss them both. I hope to be able to at least be on decent terms with both of them in time. Right now, I cant have them in my life. Because its not good for ME. I'm taking care of me now.

Double standards are awesome. Hearing two polar opposite opinions from the same person is awesome. People need to just think some shit through

Im supposed to be there when you need me : day or night, sick or healthy,  busy or bored, but hell if you are going to be there when I need you. I better learn to cope by myself.

I feel abused and underapperciated by a good amount of people in my life. Really ? like really is this happening?

This is a sterotypical livejournal whiny post. But someone I cant manage to tell the people to SHUT THE FUCK UP to their faces.  Despite what I hear is the opinion, im not that much of a bitch

I dont care if you think my problems are my fault, they are still my problems. Talking about me behind my back generally gets back to me. You could try asking me about MY day for once. That would be pretty sick .

Stop trying to impress people , just be a good friend. Goddammit

minus that whole whiny random shit life is working out for me. Im living by my standards and feeling good about the vast majority of my choices. Im learning to strike that healthy balance of party and studying.  If you dont like what I do , please do me just this one favor and fuck off.

So....

I moved to college. It was quite the humbling experience; it really made me value everything that was stable in my life and really appreciate the people that were really there for me. Im not going to lie it was really hard at first but now I love it. I cant wait for the term to get over though because of how much I'm studying. I guess thats typical with summer term but I grow weary of it.  I can't wait for fall term because of  how busy the campus will be, not to mention possibly the three most important friends in my life will be here. I can see the stadium lights from my dorm window its really pretty.  Symbolic in that retarded kind of way given Im going to be working there. I signed up to rush only to have my boss tell me I couldnt. I was pissed to say the least. Shrugs, hope its worth it

I guess its part of college to watch terribad movies... Bio-Dome is an excellent example of this

I feel silly because Kevin and Rachel breaking up really fucked with my head. Like I'm not even involved but I still feel drained from it. I wish I could help her more.  They're break up makes me question a lot. To tear her up so badly it must have been pretty great. Am i missing something by keeping everybody at arms length? Am I being smart and acting my age or am I being immature and running from issues? Shrugs, i have no idea but I KNOW i couldnt handle a serious relationship, so for now im okay with the casual thing. 

Brad Pitt is gay in fight club . WHOA WHOA WHOA

 UCF 's gym is ridiculous. im pretty sure id live there if I could. Not to say my dorm isnt really nice, im lucky with that. While its nice its on the outer extremity of campus which kinda sucks. I have an awesome tan from walking now

My guitar for guitar hero is broken, the whammy stick doesnt stay put, its frustrating. Also my car not being able to play mp3 cd's is frustrating

Im (re)meeting my boss and coworkers on Friday. In otherwise I'm starting my career on friday at 18. awesome. 

College is great. Im really excited for the next four years of my life. People need to hurry and move up here